The Perfect Heart - Creating and Maintaining Love/Life Balance

The Shopping List

Kim Korte — Sun, 19 May 2013 23:02:31 +0000

A wise woman once told me to form a clear vision in my mind of what I wanted in a relationship … and hold to that vision. Her advice was not that I go out, find a man, and then create what I wanted around him. That would be filling in the blanks in the wrong order. She wanted me to do just the opposite. She told me:

“Know what you want … and then find the man who meets those criteria.”

What usually happens? You meet a guy, you lock onto each other, the sparks ignite, and all of a sudden you believe he’s absolutely perfect for you. Then, later, when you break up, you think, “What was I thinking, dating a guy who [insert his bad habit or quality here].”

It’s a little like what happens when you go to the grocery store without a shopping list or a budget — while you’re hungry. You come home with more food than you probably can afford to buy. Not only that, the bags are probably filled with fattening, unhealthy foods.

You make better shopping choices when you have a list and keep to a budget, right? So why don’t we apply this same discipline when looking for love? When I met Anthony, my first husband, I was shopping without a list or a budget and I was emotionally starved. If I had put together a list and a budget, would he have been the man I chose to marry? Maybe not.

At that point on my life, I hadn’t learned to ask myself what I wanted in a man and in a relationship. For a woman who thinks about things as much as I do, I had to admit this was one subject that I hadn’t given thorough consideration. Had I even known what I wanted?

The “shopping list” you put together should go beyond things like looks and character. Every woman’s list includes a smart, attractive man with a good sense of humor. Isn’t that the joke? What about the dynamics of the relationship? How do you envision that? What about the guy’s ability to listen? Make sure things like that go on your shopping list, too.

What Am I Missing?

Kim Korte — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 19:37:28 +0000

Did you ever wonder where the term “soul mate” is derived? Lets go all the way back to a buddy of Plato – Aristophanes. He stated in Plato’s Symposium that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continues that there were three genders: man, woman and the “Androgynous”, having both male and female genitalia. The gods were getting ready to destroy all humans because of their prideful nature. But Zeus figured out if they killed everyone they wouldn’t have anyone to give them tribute – quite the pickle. So they split humans in half. It was hard to exist split in half and they were sure to perish from the shear agony of their condition, so Apollo has them sewn up and reconstituted their bodies. Now, having only one set of their genitalia, they were in constant search for what they were missing. If they were lucky enough to find their other half, without a spoken word they would know them instantaneously and experience a love like no other.

Theosophy taught something similar. The Jewish religion calls a soul mate “bashert” and has a their explanation of the origin. Others teach that you are reuniting with someone from a past life. Generally, a soul mate is thought of as finding the person who completes them. A strong bond is felt that trumps any kind of other romantic love – “meant to be”. I offer another theory maybe not quite so romantic and a little bit more practical. Just as the once Androgynous human sought out their other half after a trauma, so may we to recoup what we lost from a trauma in our life.

I speak freely in The Perfect Heart – Creating and Maintaining Love/Life Balance that I was in an emotionally low state when I met my ex-husband. It is in times like this that we find people who fill those places that went missing after an emotional trauma in our life. It could feel like a soul mate for that very reason. I knew my ex was my soul mate at the time we met. If like me, you meet what feels like a soul mate but wind up creating yet another trauma. Unless you figure out how to correct this, the cycle continues. You end up time and time again with the same person, only with a different name, never finding the relationship you desire.

For some that may include professional help or it could be as simple as recognizing how you got into that cycle so you can get yourself out. I used the “shopping list” I refer to in my book to help me do that. After 44 years on this planet, the improvement in my selection process for dating took some time, but I eventually found the man that complements me in different way – the way a soul mate should. Instead of finding someone to fill my emotional loss, he helped me balance my life.

Don’t be too hard on yourself when what you think was a soul mate turns sour. Use this time as an opportunity to stop the cycle by reflecting on what failed and why. This has to include your part in the failed relationship. Hard to believe, but you are partially responsible. Looking inward is often where we find the greatest opportunity for improvement; otherwise therapists would be out of business.

After 47 years of roaming the earth, did I find my missing half when I met my current husband? I would say yes. He complements me in a healthy way, which is how it should be. For example, he slowed down a very driven woman so that I enjoy more leisure time rather than sitting in front of a desk all day long. For me, this is the definition of a soul mate.

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A Watched Pot Never Boils

Kim Korte — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 08:00:25 +0000

“A watched pot never boils.” How many times have you heard that? What about the opposite situation? If you leave the pot and never come back it eventually burns out and ruins the pot. The same can be true when we are dating. You find yourself focusing so hard on trying to find a partner, and then when the going gets tough you protect yourself by swear against it. The key is achieving balance so you don’t go to one extreme or the other. Here are some helpful tips.

Make your list. So many people just date to date — the act of being on a date is more important than who you choose to go on the date with. In my book, The Perfect Heart – Creating and Maintaining Love/Life Balance, I go into detail as to why having a list is so important. I provide, as an example, the list I had when I was dating.

: The Perfect Heart

Know what you want from a relationship. What does it look like? Do you want someone who shares all or most of your activities? Do you need less togetherness and a fair amount of alone time? If you have children, when should you introduce them and what role will your significant other play? These are just a few of the decisions that are important for you to make prior to going into a relationship. Use these parameters to help create your Perfect Heart in the configuration that depicts what you are seeking.

Don’t take it personal. When you go to a restaurant and you choose something that is not the chef’s recommendation, should his/her feelings be hurt? If clothes had feelings, when you choose one top over another should it break their heart? No. You are making decisions based on your needs and taste. I have a friend who using an online dating site. She takes it so hard if she isn’t being contacted even if it isn’t someone she was interested in. It leaves her with a feeling of rejection. I pointed out how she doesn’t contact a majority of the men for different reasons: religion, hobbies, political viewpoint, height, looks, income, etc. The same criteria being used by her to decline men are being used by men to eliminate her. She should be glad because she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone who isn’t right for her. The same is true whether you are using internet dating or some other service.

Be honest. This isn’t just about your height, weight, income or posting a picture that was taken 10 years ago. Really…who are you fooling? If rejection is what you are seeking then this is the best way to find it. Honesty is also about your profile content. It should contain the important items from your list and what you want in a relationship. I have helped a few people with their online profiles. One woman’s profile was lacking what she was seeking and filled with what she had to offer. When we added what she wanted, this included a monogamous relationship, the number of men contacting her reduced dramatically. I saw this as a good sign. It is about quality not quantity. My husband and I met on Match.com. He had been on the site for 7 months and I was the only person he contacted during that entire period of time. He knew what he wanted and contacted me based on what I put on my honest profile. You don’t want to be all things to all people, but the right things to one person.

Don’t let dating be your sole focus. When you are hanging out with your friends, is dating and subjects related to dating the only thing you talk about? If the answer is yes then you need to get a life. You need to seek balance, find interests to fill your time in addition to dating. Not “waiting for the pot to boil” will keep you from becoming burnt out on the dating process.payday loans If you are keeping your life busy with activities that make you happy and fulfilled, the next thing you know the water will start to boil.

Give it time. Life turns on a dime. You could meet the one that makes your pot boil tomorrow or it could be next year. Keep in mind that if you are dating someone because the right one hasn’t come along yet, you could miss out on the right one because he or she is looking for someone who is available. Life is too short to compromise by spending it with the wrong person. You could find it lonelier than being alone.

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Waiter, Can You Guess My Order Please?

Kim Korte — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 22:05:27 +0000

Imagine arriving at your favorite restaurant. After being seated at your usual table, your favorite server arrives and asks, “How are you doing this evening? It is always a pleasure to see you! Can I get you a drink while you decide what you would like to order?”

“I will let you order for me. How long have you been serving us? You must know what I like by now. You choose the meal and the accompanying wine.”

For the most part he knows your dining preferences, but the menu has changed and there are specials. He decides to start with a simple salad, the salmon special for the main course and a warm, chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream for dessert.

The food arrives in courses. The salad was the house salad you always get. The main dish wasn’t to your taste – you are not a big fan a salmon and would have preferred the halibut. While tasty, the dessert too caloric, the fruit would have been a better choice. The wine was amazing. You don’t say anything, but leave feeling dissatisfied. Your expectations had not been met.

Didn’t you just tell the waiter to order for you? Makes sense that if you leave the ordering up to someone else that you might not get what you want. You can’t blame them for being dissatisfied – you should have stated what you wanted. Why is something like what I just described seem so absurd in a restaurant setting and yet so prevalent in personal relationships? We all grow and change as time goes by; preferences, likes, dislikes, circumstances and priorities. It is not up to those around us to have to guess what those changes are and how they impact your relationship with them.

A friend of mine told me that she was debating whether or not to visit her parents this past Labor Day weekend. They live about four hours away and, if she didn’t visit them, the opportunity it wouldn’t present itself again until Christmas. I asked what the determining factors were for making a decision. She told me how much she loves going home but the issue is that her parents never come to visit her. She feels that since her dad is now retired, and her mom can easily get time off, they should make the effort to visit her. Turns out she has invited them to visit a few times but never told them how important it is for them to visit her. There is a big difference in handing out an invitation verses expressing to a parent “I need this from you because it is important to me.” There is no way for her parents to gauge the priority of their visit based on an invitation. They have a history of everyone coming to them because the father worked so much – that is their habit. I told her to place the order and wait to see if they deliver before she gets upset.

It is even more important to have clarity of communication in your romantic relationships. Couples share meals, bodily fluids, vacations, bills, homes and children; you think communication would be a slam dunk. Sadly, this not the always case as it is one of the top 3 reasons for breakups.

Is the source of poor communication from a feeling of insecurity or a lack of worthiness? Being too assumptive? The mouth works but the ears don’t? Never learned how to? Or maybe you are a huge “gluteus maximus” and just don’t care? I am not a therapist or a counselor but I will share with you one trick I learned years ago. In your next conversation ask the person you are speaking with to repeat back what was just said. The person may not have been listening, but while hearing (notice I didn’t say listening) your words they were preparing a response in their head or making assumptions as to what they think you are saying. When forced to repeat back what you just stated, if the prior proves to be the case, they will ask you to repeat yourself and then they are forced to listen to you while you restate your comments. Sometimes it is really obvious that a person is distracted and asking if they were listening is almost required. But during a serious or heated conversation the recipient may be looking intently at you and still not listening to your words. That is why this exercise can be so valuable. You can always reach out to a professional or pick up a book on to improve your own communication skills.

We don’t always get what we want in life, even when we put our order in. If those who wish to make you happy don’t have a clear menu to choose from, the possibility diminishes. Increase your opportunity for happiness – communicate.

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Thank You Match.com…But Not For The Reasons You Would Think

Kim Korte — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 10:00:45 +0000

A few weeks back I took a trip down memory lane. I was visiting with a girlfriend while on a business trip. She has been on Match.com for several months. We just arrived home from a fabulous dinner, cracked open a bottle of wine and sat on the sofa with her iPad in hand scanning the results of her search criteria on Match. I felt a little déjà vu. The comment I made on that evening was exactly the same comment I had made two years ago on a Friday afternoon looking for some mindless entertainment after a tough week of work – “Let’s see what losers are out on Match today.”

What a terrible comment, especially considering that Match.com is how I met my husband. The fact remains that there are a lot of bad profiles out there and over the years it has been fun for both me and my friends to get a laugh out of the profiles we find online. Maybe they aren’t truly “losers”, but their profile certainly isn’t telling a different story.

Dated pictures – If you think you are fooling someone with a picture from the 2000’s you are wrong. It is laughable how many people don’t include current photos. If in the pictures you are youthful, thin and showing a few other attributes you are not currently possessing, who are you fooling? When an interest develops and you meet in person, don’t be surprised if their jaw drops and they act a little put off. After all, they thought they were meeting somebody else.

Don’t include pictures with your ex cropped out – Maybe you like how you look, but the person looking at your posted picture is trying to figure out who that disembodied arm belongs to. Use photos with people who are currently in your life – preferably friends of the same sex, family member and pets that show your interests and how you spend your time. This leads me to the next photo faux pas.

Group photo with Vegas showgirls or Chippendale dancers (or other hot strangers) – I am not sure the message you are trying to send, but it comes off as a bad one. If you can’t explain the relationship to the people in your pictures (for the mere fact there isn’t one) then you shouldn’t include the photo.

Men with photos of their expensive cars – When you are young, a car can be very impressive to a girl. When you are older and you see a picture of a mature man with his Corvette, Ferrari or other toy car, it screams one thing – small penis. If you want a woman to want you for the message this type of picture sends; a rich, insecure man going through a mid-life crisis, then I suggest you keep it in.

Keep your profile current – I can’t tell you how many times have seen the verbiage contain an age that doesn’t equal the age on the profile. Every year the profile is updated based on your birth date. What you don’t want to do is give the impression that you have been on the site for three years when the age posted is 38 and your “About You” section says you are 35 years old. If you go off and then get back on the site, make sure you refresh your profile as needed.

A few other tips:

Honesty is still the best policy. Just like the pictures, there comes a moment of truth when the real you comes out. Don’t portray yourself a person you think someone would want to date – be who you are! There is that someone out there that wants to date you just the way you are; only they can’t find you because your profile is misleading.
Put an equal amount of effort in writing about what you want in a partner as you do writing about yourself. If you have a “grocery list” (see Chapter 8 of my book) of what you want, make sure you include your must haves. This may narrow down the number of responses you get, but the ones you receive should be more qualified. I helped a friend revamp her profile after it had been posted for a few weeks. After she included the fact that she wanted a monogamous relationship the number of men who contacted her reduced dramatically.
Don’t take rejection personally. How many times did you look at a profile and not select them because you have different interests, political views or activity level. It wasn’t a right fit for you. The same is true for people looking at your profile. It isn’t necessarily because you aren’t attractive enough or whatever insecurities are triggered when you have an interest that isn’t reciprocated. Stay positive and keep looking forward to meeting the right one.
Your chances of finding someone for a long term relationship are increased when you are specific, current and authentic.

Online dating works – you just have to do it right. Have someone you know and trust to be honest with you look at your profile and provide their impression. There is a lot of value in learning how your profile is perceived verses what you intended to project.

Life changes on a dime. Back in 2010 for various reasons I wasn’t really interested in dating, so I turned off my Match.com profile and changed the email address to one I never use. My subscription still had several months to go and I didn’t want to receive any communications. As mentioned previously, on that Friday afternoon after logging onto Match.com for a “loser” search, I discovered that my profile was still open (much to my surprise) and just a few hours earlier my now husband had contacted me. If it hadn’t been for the amusement factor of Match.com, I would not have met Andrew. That isn’t the way it was intended to work, but thank you anyways.

Do you have any tips or comments to share from your online dating experiences? I am sure there are many and I would love to hear them.

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Are You Touchy?

Kim Korte — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 06:20:22 +0000

I am not talking about being overly sensitive, but rather being the touchy-feely type. Personally, I am touchy-feely and always have been. But there are many out there that aren’t. Does it matter one way or the other?

Of the five senses, there is just one that we lose completely only when we die. We can lose 100% of our ability to see, hear, smell or taste. But the sense of touch is never 100% lost, or at least what I could determine from my research. A stroke can impact both sides of the body, but from what I read it won’t render the entire body numb. There is a rare disease that makes a person impervious to pain and temperature, but not every sense of touch. This got me to thinking that the sense of touch plays a greater role in our life than we know.

Appropriate touching has such a positive effect on people (and animals too for that matter). Babies thrive when they are touched. Lack of skin-to-skin contact impairs their emotional, physical and social development. People who live alone fair better with a pet, especially the elderly. Not just because they have company, but because there is interaction; the owner stroking the pet and affection displayed by the pet to the owner. What about in-between being a baby and becoming elderly? In our relationships?

Did you know touch is the first language we learn? This is what the researchers stated in the New York Time article Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much.According to one professor, touch is “’our richest means of emotional expression’ throughout life.”

After talking about how touch sends signals that we are receiving support, thus reducing stress, the articles applies this to relationships.

“The same is certainly true of partnerships, and especially the romantic kind, psychologists say. In a recent experiment, researchers led by Christopher Oveis of Harvard conducted five-minute interviews with 69 couples, prompting each pair to discuss difficult periods in their relationship.

The investigators scored the frequency and length of touching that each couple, seated side by side, engaged in. In an interview, Dr. Oveis said that the results were preliminary.

'But it looks so far like the couples who touch more are reporting more satisfaction in the relationship,' he said.

Again, it’s not clear which came first, the touching or the satisfaction. But in romantic relationships, one has been known to lead to the other. Or at least, so the anecdotal evidence suggests.”

If you and your partner were interviewed by these researchers, would you have scored high or low? If you don’t display affection because you are not used to it, then get used to it! It is something that just comes with practice. It might be uncomfortable at first but that hopefully will soon fade. The importance of incorporating appropriate touching, or affection, in all of your personal relationships cannot be stressed enough.

Now for a little introspection – are you touchy? Sounds like you might need a hug!

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Can A Relationship Be Perfect?

Kim Korte — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 22:19:10 +0000

Perfect…what is perfect? If you Google “What is perfect?” the internet will tell you. When used as a verb, it is when you make something completely free from faults or defects, or as close as you possibly can. If you use it as an adjective, it means having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be. When it comes to relationships, does perfect exist? I believe it does.

If you have read my book or my blogs then you know I am a HUGE fan of lists and goals. To find the perfect (adjective) partner and/or create the perfect (verb) relationship, you are going to need lists and goals. If you don’t know what you want, then it is likely that what you don’t want will find you. It doesn’t matter if you are already in a relationship – you can still make it “as good as it can possibly be.” What is great about having a perfect relationship is that what is perfect for me may not be perfect for you, and visa versa. Also, what is perfect now might not be perfect in a few years when your life circumstances change. In my case, that change was in a few months, but I will get into that later.

The desire to find someone who was “perfect” for me and to create a “perfect” relationship, and be able to maintain it, is what led to the creation of The Perfect Heart. So what is The Perfect Heart? It is the image you see here, a configurable representation of your relationship. As with anything, when something is out of balance then issues occur. Balance in nature, politics, our bodies and the list goes on, is vital to function – so too in our relationships.

The image shown here is evenly configured. That might not be the case for you. The point is that the image is a communication tool for use with the person you are currently in a relationship with or the configuration that you want to have in the future. As time goes by and the circumstances in your life change (children, illness, careers, school, etc.) the configuration of the heart would change also. The Heart becomes an integral part of your relationship goals and can even house specific goals within it. It should be posted prominently as a reminder. Where you post it is up to you, but someplace where you see it on a regular basis.

A relationship is like a couple sitting in a boat at the shore of the sea—life is the sea, and our relationship, the shore. Have you ever been in a boat and before you knew it you were far from where you started and never felt the water pulling you from the shore? The same is true for relationships. It is so easy to drift through life and look around one day to find the shore is completely out of sight. It usually happens when the sea isn’t turbulent. Then when the sea gets rough, suddenly you realize that you can’t see the shore. The Perfect Heart is designed to keep your eye on the shore.

The configuration of the Perfect Heart my husband and I created changed recently. Around the same time my husband went to work as manager (and subsequently as the Wine Director) at a rather busy restaurant, I was changing careers and getting into sales, which meant a lot more time in my home office. The equation looked like this: Kim home all the time and Andrew never home = out of balance. I didn’t like this new math. It was created some issues and could have easily led to greater problems. But our effort to keep balance and lots of discussion around it led to an adjusted Perfect Heart.

By making our adjustments my husband and I are keeping our eye on the shore. If all couples did this on a regular basis do you think it would make their relationships easier and stronger? If every anniversary, as a couple, you evaluated where you were in comparison to last year, would that be any different from how an employer assesses his employees, a teacher gauges their students or a company tracks their business? While not romantic, The Perfect Heart can be used as a tool to accomplish this.

So, do you think a relationship can be perfect?

Good Vibrations

Kim Korte — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:33:26 +0000

If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you flirt or make suggestive comments to another person, and your significant other is not around to hear it, does it hurt them? Does either question really matter? I think it does.

I attended a conference in Dallas this week. It was raining in San Francisco when I flew out on Saturday and still raining on Tuesday, the day I was scheduled to return. If you have ever flown in or out of SFO you know that rain shuts it down. My plane was scheduled to leave DFW at 7:25pm and it was delayed until 10:30pm. I went to a local restaurant to get some food since it was going to be a really long time until I ate again. I sat at the bar in between two gentlemen and ordered some food and iced tea. While sitting at airport bars business travelers usually chat each other up about what they do for work, how much they hate to travel and which airport is the worst to travel in and out of, along with other pleasantries. This time I sat next to Mark, an underwriter for an insurance company. We exchanged business cards as there was a business opportunity for me at his company. Because of the long delay the conversation went beyond the usual. We talked about our spouses and families. He told me about his family; the two kids and his wife. I shared with him how I met my husband and about my book. During all of this he had given me a few compliments, but nothing that made me uncomfortable. His gate was next to mine and the planes left within 20 minutes of each other, so we left the bar at the same time. As we walked towards the gate he touched my back and then made comments regarding my “voluptuousness” which I found inappropriate. We were steps from saying goodbye so I decided to let it go. We parted and a few minutes later I got the following text:

“Hey Kim…very nice to meet you and visit with you…too bad we didn’t meet in an airport several years ago…..now you have my personal cell # (wasn’t on my bus card)…safe flight back!!! – Mark”

“Not sure where this is coming from” was my first thought. I was so exhausted and didn’t think about it until the next day when I shared the text and the event with my husband. How would I feel if he sent the same text to a random woman he met in the airport, or any place for that matter. It would not have liked it in the least bit, let alone making comments to a woman about her body. Then again, I never would have known just as his wife will probably never find out. So, no harm no foul?

So, if a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? There is not a definitive answer to this question, but there are some theories. Everything that vibrates the air creates the potential for sound, regardless of what conscious being is there to perceive it in the first place. If there is nobody is there to perceive it occurring, then it could not exist as sound, only vibration.

For those of us alive in the 70’s, people used to say things like “I get your vibe” or “I’m picking up some pretty negative vibes.” The word “vibe” (short for vibration) means feelings, moods or premonitions. I am going to suggest that Mark’s text is like a branch falling from a tree sending out a vibe to the world. I heard it, but does his wife feel it? Maybe not from a branch falling, but if she is perceptive enough she just might have. But we all know that feeling when something isn’t right and it doesn’t feel good. That is picking up a vibration from another person or persons. What a horrible feeling when you know that something isn’t right and you can’t put your finger on it. When it comes to your partner you have to trust those feelings because, while not 100%, there is a good chance a branch or even a tree is falling somewhere in your relationship. At that point it all comes down to communication.

If you are the one lopping off the proverbial branches or felling trees, don’t think that your partner doesn’t feel it. Be careful. When the whole forest comes down you might not like the results. You have to ask yourself “Why?” and take some kind of action. It is not fair to your partner to have unresolved feelings resulting from your negative vibrations. Don’t be selfish and ignorant. Instead be honest and communicative about why the negative vibrations exist so you can start sending out good ones. Also it is a matter of respect for your relationship. The rule is still golden – if you wouldn’t want your partner to do it then neither should you.

If you are catching vibes from your partner that don’t feel right, confront them and let them know how you are feeling. Are they coming from your insecurity based on issues from your past or is it coming from your partner? You should know the difference and if you don’t, seek professional help. Otherwise your partner will grow tired of unfounded negative feelings and accusations. My gut feelings were 100% right with my ex-husband, but I have to be careful not to put that on my new husband. It can be tricky, but the truth eventually reveals itself. You just have to be observant without being paranoid. The goal isn’t to catch someone in the act of wrongdoing, but to discover and resolve issues in your present relationship or from past ones. Unfortunately in the process will at times uncover wrongdoing, but don’t make that a given in your mind.

So, what is your vibe? To quote the Beach Boys, “Gotta keep those lovin good vibrations a happenin with her. Good good good good vibrations.”

A Call for Volunteers

Kim Korte — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 21:43:57 +0000

I have been on the radio for the past few weeks being interviewed on dating when you are married and promoting my book, The Perfect Heart – Creating and Maintaining Love/Life Balance. “What you do to create the relationship is what you do to maintain it” is my motto. For my husband and me it is fairly easy since we don’t have children. He is the Wine Director for a restaurant and works 10-10 five days a week. So we make one of his days off our date night. What if you have children…especially young children? It can be a challenge in more ways than one. Let me give you an example.

My neighbors have two small daughters. They are three and five years of age and quite a handful. She stays home to take care of the girls and works when she can as a photographer. Once they are older she will build her business back up. Her husband has a pool maintenance business, so it is seasonal. They live on a pretty tight budget. She came over one day and we got to talking about dating when you are married

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. I asked her the last time she and her husband had gone out on a date. It had been over a year, mostly because it is expensive to both pay for a sitter plus dinner and a movie. I got to thinking about how hard it is to raise a family, survive in this recovering economy and maintain any kind of balance in a relationship. I volunteered to watch the girls so they could go out and spend some time alone. I could tell that she liked the idea but felt awkward taking me up on it. After I several reminders of my offer, she eventually knocked on my door and asked me to watch them.

This got me to thinking that my radio interviews didn’t include the logistics of getting on a date for couples with children. It is important to have someone you trust watch your children. Because parents don’t want to put their friends out nor do they want to take advantage of their family, it might be difficult for them to ask. Dates don’t always mean a dinner and show. What if it was just going for a drive or maybe a hike? How about renting a hotel room for a few hours? They just need to get some alone time. So how can we help? Volunteer. How?

Think of those in your family, circle of friends and your neighbors – volunteer a night to watch the kids.
Give it as a gift. You can make up a gift certificate for one to as many as you are will to offer of babysitting.
It doesn’t have to be just for a special occasion. For a couple with a young family just getting time alone is a special occasion.
Follow up with them by scheduling a time. Especially if you are not a family member, they may feel funny taking your time to stay with their kids. Parents can become selfless and forget that they need to take care of themselves. Help them get past that feeling.
Single, childless and don’t have plans? Instead of staying in at your house offer to watch a friend’s children so they can get a few hours out together. They look at you and remember the days when they had the luxury of time that comes with being childless. You never know, one day soon you could be in their shoes so volunteer while you have the time.
Do it as a couple. Helping friends out with a night off isn’t just limited to one person. My husband and I were talking about watching a friend’s child so they could get away for a night before the next one arrives. Plus it is nice to have the company after the kids fall asleep.

No friends or family that can help? Trade off with other parents. Join parent groups so you can get to know other like parents. They might be living in your neighborhood, go to your church or someone you work with at the office. Set up an arrangement where one night you watch their kids and another night they watch yours. If you each did that once a month it would guarantee a night out.

These are just a few of my ideas. Do you have some ideas of your own? Please share!

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To Divorce or Not To Divorce ̶ That Is The Question

Kim Korte — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 08:27:20 +0000

This is one of the toughest decisions a person can make. Chronic addiction or substance abuse, psychosis or extreme mental illness, and physical or mental abuse are among those situations or conditions where it might be in your best interest to divorce. While the decision is seemingly inevitable, it is still difficult. What about when it isn’t so clear cut? How much effort should you make?

Life tends to go in extremes. Back in “the day” divorce was almost unheard of, even if extreme circumstances warranted it for the safety of either party. People looked at you suspiciously if you were a divorcee. Today we have the other extreme. Marriage is as disposable razorblades, cameras and diapers. Many enter into marriage with the attitude that the once things get tough, get a divorce. Maybe that is why so many marriages end within the first three years. Either extreme is not good, so how do we get back to the middle?

Let me tell you a true story. To keep their anonymity I will name the couple Joe and Mary. Joe only married Mary because she was pregnant. He always resented her for it. The fact that he was a party to the pregnancy seems to escape his brain on a regular basis. They went on to have another daughter. From the day he married Mary it was his intention to divorce her after the firstborn was in college Having the second baby delayed that until she was in college. Fast forward to summer of 2011 — the youngest is graduating high school, leaving for college in the fall and the oldest is in the military. His “sentence” is almost over. You can only imagine how he treated his wife over the years with that mindset. Little did Joe know that Mary a similar plan.

Joe complained about Mary’s appearance all of the time. One of his complaints was that she lacked personal grooming. Let’s say that he felt she was in need of some landscaping because the shrubbery was overgrown. All of a sudden Mary started going to the gym. She was wearing cuter clothing and going out at night with her friends. She went to the “landscaper” and was trimmed nice and neat. He panicked thinking she was cheating on him. While I find no excuse for cheating, if you knew the whole story you wouldn’t exclusively blame her if she had. He denied her sex. It was an annual event, bi-annual if she was lucky. Then one day she walked up to him while sat in his chair watching TV. “I want a divorce as soon as our daughter moves out” she declared. They decided to stay together through the holidays so the girls could have one last Christmas as a family. She was going out on a regular basis and he just sat in his chair at home.

You would have thought that after all these years of planning he would be happy she wanted a divorce, but he wasn’t. I think it surprised him. Now that the reality of being single again was ahead of Joe, he realized that it wasn’t what he wanted. Mary discovered after spending time with her girlfriends that dating and the single life wasn't she thought it would be. A couple of weeks ago, instead of going out with the girls, she stayed home and put on a sexy nightie. That action broke a record breaking 18 month streak of no sex. Normally it is a one-time event and that is it. That night they made love twice and again the next morning. Since that night they have been sexually active on a regular basis. Now they are thinking of how to stay together rather than how to separate. For the first time in a long time Joe is a happy guy. Granted, Joe and Mary’s marriage wasn’t based on a deep love, but they do love each other. All those years he spent planning to leave, if instead he had planned to stay, what would their life have been like? Not just for the two of them, but for their entire family?

Is your mind focused on planning to stay or leave? Do you really believe that leaving will bring you the happiness you imagine it will? If you were in love once and have now fallen out, I believe you can fall in love again. But this can only happen if you make a decided effort. In Chapter Six of my book, The Perfect Heart – Creating and Maintaining Love/Life Balance, I discuss the need to get your heart ready for either contemplating a new relationship or trying to repair an existing one. For the latter I supply a simple exercise that attempts to rekindle your feelings. There is also my blog, A New Take on the Friends Five List, for couples who have so many complaints about each other that they don’t know where to start. No matter what resource you use to help your marriage, utilize The Perfect Heart image to assist you during the process and then to maintain what you have worked so hard to create.

To divorce or not to divorce…what is your answer?

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